Saturday, April 7, 2012

puppies and rainbows (and miley cyrus's attire choices?)

My anxiety has been so high about things unrelated to wedding planning for the last couple of days I actually thought I just might resign from posting for a few days. Then, as I was lying in bed this morning, reeling through all the crazy in my head at the moment, I realized that part of the reason I am so anxious is actually both directly and indirectly related to my upcoming plans of matrimony and wedded bliss (that sounded great, didn't it? ... a little beach bungalow with the breeze blowing the white curtains...). Explanation immediately forthcoming.

Explanation: (see?)
I'm on a job hunt. In February I discovered that I had redesigned myself right out of my current role and the role I was being offered as a replacement I was less than thrilled about. Aside from it being a lot of facilitation, I would be spending three days on a semi-weekly basis living in Colorado Springs and would be working until 9-10pm on Tuesdays through Thursdays whether I was in the Springs or not. For many weeks I simply felt "out of job" and was frantically searching for my next step in life. I was planning to make these kinds of decisions in the coming 1-2 years, but I definitely saw one more year of myself where I was (am).

Granted, I was lucky (some people might say "blessed" in this instance, but that's not really my style). I was not jobless, I had an offer. Now, at the time I saw it as a terrible offer, but an offer no less which is more than many people can say in our fine nation. I would have loved to have found out sooner (much sooner) that the roles my manager and I invented were going to put me out of a role myself (or into that very role we created), but I didn't. I found out in mid to late February. Taking the necessary steps to apply to business school and actually get into business school were not an option given that it was already February (this is one of the things I am seriously considering, that was not just a random fact).

After talking with my managers and doing some exploring and information interviewing, I applied for a Director of Design role on the national side of things in TFA and was (am) super excited about it. The turn around time was quick to get my application in but within a week I already had my hat thrown in to the pool for that job and was on my way. It was a great fit for me and I felt (slightly) more optimistic.

I continued to network and search job boards high and low across the state in non-profit and even ventured outside to other sectors. With how well I know my strengths and what I enjoy doing - what drives me - finding a really great position with so much on the line and such a finite timeline was not going to be easy. Again, however, all was not lost, I have a back-up. I was not going to be  (or rather, did not have to be) a newly-engaged-wedding-planning chica with no job (and no money).

As time passed I started feeling serious pressure around continuing to have the back-up role held for me, and decided I need to choose: if I didn't get the director of design role, would it even be something I would be happy taking, given the hours, travel, and heavy group facilitation aspects of the role? I thought my answer was an easy, "no." However, after two trips to the mountains and back, sitting in the car with my lady discussing the pros and cons of it all, I became surprisingly optimistic about the role I had been offered on the regional team to replace my current role. In fact, I was downright excited about it. I may have even said, "why am I even applying for this other director role anyway?" (that was short-lived). The excitement was not short-lived, however, and I went back to work the following week (the one day I was alive before bronchitis struck) and was able to say that I would more than likely take the regional role if I was not offered the national director of design role.

Whew! I was not going to be jobless. Thank goodness. [serious amounts of relief]

However, I remained in limbo. I still had an interview for the director role to get through and the timeline for that role was not going to complete itself until mid to late April, as it stood. Then, of course, something new falls into my lap. An opening to work with two of the people I respect in education (and in general) most at a school that is doing some incredibly innovative and exciting things. My ears immediately perked up when my partner explained what the role was and boom, the wheels were in motion. What had become a moderately bearable limbo-of-uncertainty was thrown (very much) off kilter. The plate spinners lost their plates, if you will.

This past week was a whirlwind. I fell in love with the job I just mentioned and I had my first interview for the director of design role (the last several weeks have consisted of pretend-project creation and whatnot). With the new job prospect everything has been getting re-examined with a fine tooth comb. There is an extensive Google spreadsheet of pros and cons for all three job choices living on my desktop and being discussed and meticulously gone over (and over) by me (with the help of my family and my lady). There is bold-type and color-coding and likely more elaborations to come. Yes, definitely more elaborations to come since I just checked my email and found out I have been offered the second (and final) interview for the director of design role as of about 10 minutes ago.

this was not a girl for whom it
mattered if she had good
benefits or an extra several Gs
(me as a 4th year in college
doing god knows what)
OK, so you have the explanation. Why is my body overflowing with anxiety and almost borderline unable to function? There is so much indecision! This isn't five years ago when I was able to just say, "Well golly gee, Denver sounds like a nice place to live, who cares what I will make in salary or what kind of benefits I will have... who needs a doctor? who needs extra-money?" etc. I am trying to plan a wedding here, people! Weddings cost money. And beyond that, and to be quite honest, on the much more important side of things, I am part of a "family unit" (as it was put to me this week :) and things like a higher salary and benefits that will actually cover us having a baby (whew! I threw that out there!) are really important to us. They matter. An extra several thousand dollars a year does make a difference, especially when we are talking about choosing between two jobs that are both great. Things like being able to work from home and from anywhere do matter. However, things like "what I would be happiest doing everyday" also matter. It's just that instead of that being 95% of my decision like it may have been 5 years ago, it is more like 60%-70%. How much weight do these things carry? How much should certain things matter? Ahhh! It's terrifying. Does that fact that is would be great to have an extra several thousand dollars to put towards the wedding factor in to my decision? Well, I don't think it should, but it is. That's what happens, and that is why I am feeling borderline crazy this weekend.
us telling our "puppies" that we were
getting married

There you have it folks.

see, this is a puppies and rainbows
kind of moment
So the moral of this is that I am really feeling like a puppies and rainbows decision would be really (really) great right now. And, more importantly, what is up with the paparazzis' obsession with what Miley Cyrus chooses to work out in? Get serious people.

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