Thursday, May 29, 2014

the cosmic irony?

"Not perfectly, not all the time, but on good days, I can appreciate the cosmic irony: My body is confronting me with exactly the lessons I most need, the ones I most don’t want to hear. I am not in control. I need to rest, learn patience, take better care of myself. I had to quit running – literally... and take life at a slower pace. There’s an important difference between accomplishing everything I have to do and doing everything I possibly can." - Infertile at 29: What it’s like succeeding at everything but IVF

I came across this post (that resonated in too many ways) last night, in the middle of a meltdown. And by "came across" I mean searched Google for "IVF at age 29" and then read every single hit as if my life depended on it. You know, just casual web-surfing... (I'm breezy!). 

From the type-A need for control to the midnight pharmacy runs hundreds of miles from home while on a work trip - it felt like someone was narrating my own story. A delightful read, really (in an utterly tragic, heartbreaking, painstakingly too real way).

Can't stop... Won't stop... 
That's pretty much been my May mantra. I've been going at warp speed since my surgery and as devastating as the news and outcome of the surgery was/is, I have buried myself in work and been able to live in the candy-land version of reality. 

Then, last night, with only one day of work standing between me and the end of May - marking a huge deadline on many projects in my world - I was just three hours of face time with my last pilot region (for the foreseeable future) away from life slowing down a bit. Upon realizing this, I stopped being irritatingly anxious about the design pilot I have been putting my heart and soul into for the last six months and was able to actually feel emotion about my personal life for the first time in many, many weeks. 

Sounds great, in theory, but actually just opened the floodgates for even more anxiety - and unfortunately, not the kind that can't be absolved by putting my head down and getting to work. The kind where I just have to sit and ruminate... wonder what to do, what we will decide, how to be happy, and try to imagine my life in two dramatically different lights - with two very different endings (how on earth am I ever supposed to be fine without something that most of the country/world gets to take for granted?). Now I can ponder (relentlessly) why I made the choice to do non-profit work and make half the salary I could be making in the corporate world and not have to think twice about this decision (which clearly results in a ridiculous amount of frustration, shame, envy, and everything else that feels awful). I can sit and stare at the pricing worksheet from the doctor that outlines the unfathomable amount of money to do IVF - just once. Wonder, wonder, wonder ... all about things that I can't easily take care of, fix, or come to a "strategic" or "logical" conclusion about (which is pretty much my forte in life). 

sometimes even the traffic signs...
Bottom line: Being able to have a family should never be tied to being (or knowing) daddy warbucks. It's cruel (and downright unfair, to be perfectly twelve-years-old about it all). I think a close friend may actually spell this out even better every time I share bad news when she just responds with, "F!*k". Yep - that sums it up nicely.

I've been trying to sort out my emotions (outside of the obvious bottom line) in order to even begin to write about them and process for the last few weeks, but have had the luxury of being able to distract myself every time I get close to being in that space. There's lots more reflection, sorting out, and thinking to work through, and without anxiety from other parts of life to lure me away, I'm quite sure there's a couple of short novels waiting in the wings - soon to appear. 

So much to make sense of. (If that's even possible when life feels so upside down and backwards.)

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