Wednesday, October 7, 2015

shake it out.

"We have twins. No, that word should be banned. You know what twins are? Two fucking babies at the same time." -This American Life

I've struggled to figure out how to put into words the range of emotions and experiences I have been "privy" to in the last 5 months. That, itself, is always a red flag warning for me. Writing is my outlet, my processing machine - without it, I fill up with anxiety, apprehension, and other frustrating emotions. Writing, especially completing a piece (and by piece I mean amateur blog post, but allow me some elegance here), floods my body with relief. It is as if someone opens up a dam in my head (and heart) and lets all the dirty bath water drain out in a rush. But sometimes writing is complicated, especially writing a blog. The last time I struggled to write, I found myself wishing I had a private blog, one just for me. I was consumed with self doubt about publishing my writing for others to read. Nothing I could have written could have been both honest and genuine without burning some bridges. 

I never started that private blog, although I likely should have. While, in some ways I simply waved my arms in the air like I just didn't care and wrote on in spite of all, I held a lot in, leaving some complicated emotions unprocessed. 

I find myself sitting in a similar place as of late - although not due to any single person or incident, but rather as the result of a much more general anxiety around writing about topics that are potentially polarizing for people for a variety of reasons. I don't mean anything crazy like my political views (which happen to not be all that crazy) or something as controversial as whether or not I prefer my grilled cheese sliced diagonally... I mean the simple act of being a mom - a lesbian mom to twin girls conceived through IVF due to infertility - but simply being a mom, no less. 

I follow a few "mommy blogs," I'm hesitant to admit. And when I (ignorantly) sometimes go to view the comments on a post that seems perfectly harmless, perfectly honest, I'm caught off guard entirely by the amount of negative backlash a well meaning, vulnerable, and genuine post can be subject to. This mom just poured her heart out around finally being able to admit X about herself, child, and/or marriage and friends and people crucify her. Crucify. And here I am left sitting dumbfounded with my iPhone in my hand (thumb doing that crazy twitch thing I'm pretty sure means our generation of smart phone users is totally effed and that evolution and/or God is somewhere deeply regretting the opposable thumb gift),  wondering what the hell is wrong with people?! Patience? Grace? Empathy? Good lord, people. 

Oh well. Haters gonna hate, as my girl T-Swift says. If I can manage to find time between having two babies (at the same time), working full-time, and being a wife to write, I'm going to shake it out as much as I damn well please. Am I right, Tay Tay? Amen.


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