panic
gasping for air
sixty trillion hamsters on wheels inside your chest that won't give it up until it's over...
anxiety
paralyzing anxiety.
the work email
the seemingly harmless "hey just clicked on that cute little envelope on my phone and..."
dead air
you can't unsee that
you can't go back to that moment before you knew something was out of sync
out of order
out of control
out of my mind with the need to fix
the need to make it all ok and wrap it up with a neat little bow as quickly as my thumbs and fingers will allow me to type.
the single glance at an email that throws an entirely flawless saturday, sunday... hell, tuesday night... into spinning chaos.
must fix
can't let anyone down
still just have to have that A+
take a B girl
take a fucking B.
it takes a single moment - a glance, a question, a supposed to be funny joke (but oh dear god do they really think that?)
it's shot
delicately balanced equilibrium washed away
"just forget it"
"don't stress"
"it can wait"
but it can't, don't you see?
it's just who I am
my heart knows the days are long and the years are short
my heart knows it's so (so) not worth it
but the brain just won't quit.
and then
the pregnancy announcement
yep, still kills me every time.
in a new and different way
not the bitter "you're lucky I'm terrified of prison or i'd snatch that baby" kind of way
(anymore)
(yes, anymore)
the "dear god why does this still have to hurt so bad?" kind of way
the "I have two amazing girls and I want to be better than this so badly but it taps into some deeply grief ridden and life is not fair place inside of me that I cannot control no matter how hopelessly I wish to and aghhhhh please have some grace for me because I really am overjoyed and elated for you even thought my emotions seem like a barren wasteland" kind of way
I was happy a second ago.
just a second ago I had been living in my false reality I was fine.
one glance.
the incredible little humans I will never know pummel through my brain.
really, my heart.
my brain knows it's silly.
that heart though.
(#1 of 200 awkward journal entries prompted by 642 things to write about)
gasping for air
sixty trillion hamsters on wheels inside your chest that won't give it up until it's over...
anxiety
paralyzing anxiety.
the work email
the seemingly harmless "hey just clicked on that cute little envelope on my phone and..."
dead air
you can't unsee that
you can't go back to that moment before you knew something was out of sync
out of order
out of control
out of my mind with the need to fix
the need to make it all ok and wrap it up with a neat little bow as quickly as my thumbs and fingers will allow me to type.
the single glance at an email that throws an entirely flawless saturday, sunday... hell, tuesday night... into spinning chaos.
must fix
can't let anyone down
still just have to have that A+
take a B girl
take a fucking B.
it takes a single moment - a glance, a question, a supposed to be funny joke (but oh dear god do they really think that?)
it's shot
delicately balanced equilibrium washed away
"just forget it"
"don't stress"
"it can wait"
but it can't, don't you see?
it's just who I am
my heart knows the days are long and the years are short
my heart knows it's so (so) not worth it
but the brain just won't quit.
and then
the pregnancy announcement
yep, still kills me every time.
in a new and different way
not the bitter "you're lucky I'm terrified of prison or i'd snatch that baby" kind of way
(anymore)
(yes, anymore)
the "dear god why does this still have to hurt so bad?" kind of way
the "I have two amazing girls and I want to be better than this so badly but it taps into some deeply grief ridden and life is not fair place inside of me that I cannot control no matter how hopelessly I wish to and aghhhhh please have some grace for me because I really am overjoyed and elated for you even thought my emotions seem like a barren wasteland" kind of way
I was happy a second ago.
just a second ago I had been living in my false reality I was fine.
one glance.
the incredible little humans I will never know pummel through my brain.
really, my heart.
my brain knows it's silly.
that heart though.
(#1 of 200 awkward journal entries prompted by 642 things to write about)
 |
| sweet pepper's "please have some grace for me even though I'm burying my head in my pillow and having an inner-tantrum" kind of way |