I've been a little obsessed with happiness lately - in particular, the feeling of being calm and peaceful at rest. Sure, it's not a bad a thing to be obsessed with in the grand scheme of things.
Almost two months ago I was on a call listening to incredibly frustrating news about a decision I had been waiting on for quite some time, at work, and somehow the conversation morphed into the person on the other end giving themselves a motivational pep talk (although that belittles it more than it should) about how this job and her level of energy and motivation for it was largely within her control. She spelled out how all the conditions were ripe for someone to be happy, fulfilled, and thrive in it... mission driven, incredibly meaningful work, flexibility in her schedule, incredible colleagues, etc. I listened, and when I got off the call I was still pretty frustrated and disappointed, but I was simultaneously having a very distracting moment of inspiration (you see, I wanted to be simply and unapologetically rage-filled). Instead, an incredibly rare feeling of lucidity, empowerment, and palpable hope washed over me.
If that sounds really dramatic, brilliant. I'm being accurate. I always like to try and stand back and observe myself from the sidelines however, and fully realize this all gets a little bit self-help-y and Tony Robbins-esque from here.
We used to have a core value at my work that discussed "locus of control" and I always carried a bit of resentment about the wording of it... I was pretty sure it existed just to make us all feel like resigning ourselves to any reality we disagreed with (need to be changed, improved, etc.), no matter how far reaching/big it was, was being a quitter, under-achiever, etc. That said, it tended to be a mindset that, at least for me, was not one I rigorously applied to myself/role personally, but more about the broader work. It was actually pretty commonplace to hear people say things that explicitly or implicitly made obvious their resignation to certain perceived expectations, ways of operating, communicating, etc. in the organization (and perhaps even just in the larger educational ecosystem), even if they were unhappy, disagreed, etc.
Then, all of sudden, during a tangential monologue that followed some news that would have, on any other day, only further solidified my resignation to the "ways that are and must always be," I doubted that notion I had normalized as a truth over the last 12 years of my employed adult life. And with that doubt I asked myself, what can I control? what does it look like for me fall in love with my job, my life, etc.?
It's frankly quite obvious, and even writing this feels borderline asinine and at a very minimum, embarrassing. I pride myself on self-discipline - being able to pretty much take up an interest in any random thing and be all in - commitment and follow through in its most unwavering form. So to admit to having left a whole chunk of my humanity on the table for the last few years, to concede that I had reisgned myself to a reality that might have been within my locus of control was unsettling, at best.
I had begun to think that "loving what you do" required something so far beyond my control (and means, financially) that it was only possible in the 10 or 15 year plan.
I immediately started a list in my planner "What would it look like for me to be in love with my job?" and within a few days of jotting down notions when they came to me (during a work out, mid-sentence on a call, etc.), I had collected a bullet list of five or six energizing and tangible things that I knew needed to be true in some future reality where I was back to loving my job - excited to wake up (and walk downstairs) everyday.
I was immediately able to start identifying the gaps between that ideal and my current reality, and thus, concrete ways to get from where I was, to that much happier, fulfilling, sustainable ideal place. Six weeks later I can't say I am a new person (mostly because that would likely all but eliminate any credibility I might have as down to earth human being), but I am operating from a very different level of ease and joy in where I am and what I do. It shouldn't be rocket science that waking up and rolling over to my phone and beginning to respond to emails at 5:45am while still lying in bed was not going to make me feel like a complete human. And it's true, something as simple as making the time and space for (i.e. the habit of) truly waking up and being fully human (i.e. planning my day, processing, pondering, allowing my right brain to breathe, etc.) has been game changing in not just making me happier because I am drinking coffee, watching the sunrise, meditating, working out, and reading all before 8am most days, but because it means I can be effective in the modes I find fulfilling and sustaining for the rest of the day as I go about my work (in more mindful, intentional ways).
And on that note, I'll step off of this lovely soapbox I have commandeered for the last few minutes and also say that being obsessed with happiness and living in the realities of our current world is not easy, and on certain days can be as frustrating (and depressing) as it is liberating. I don't live in a vacuum, there are other people and infuriating current and historical realties I face on a daily basis - both intentionally and passively. Genuine, peaceful, unconditional calm (and dare I say happiness) is one of the most challenging things I have taken an "interest" in.
There's no light, easy note to end on here. It's just really fucking hard. But, so far, worth it.