Up until very recently I’ve never intentionally or consciously used social media for anything beyond seeing what friends are up to. Sure, it's a great to see what all your like-minded friends are reading and watching and to stay remotely up to speed on pop culture - but it was always more of a side effect, versus goal.
As someone who has very little desire to talk on the phone with anyone but my parents (and for some reason colleagues, but I think that has to do with it being the normal mode of communication given that everyone I work with is remote/virtual) - social media and text are pretty much my (only) options (life lines?) if I want to stay connected to people beyond those I get to see in person on a somewhat regular basis (which is extremely limited in scope).
About two years ago when I started regularly posting on Instagram I had a good friend ask what was going on, something along the lines of, "for someone who doesn’t really find joy in lots of people and is generally introverted, why the change of heart on social media?"
To me it’s simple, but still was, indeed, certainly a conscious decision I made. If I’m not going to show up to every (any?) event and gathering held where I would see friends, especially those from the corps, college, and beyond, and still wanted to maintain any semblance of connection to these folks - given, lord knows, my lack of enthusiasm for large groups of people is in no way indicative of my love of all the people I’ve crossed paths through the years (hence the reference to my inability to let go) - I had to make some effort to stay connected and not just be a voyeur on others' lives, but share my own. It’s a crazy world we live in, but we are where we are and I don’t see us going backward, so why not embrace it (in responsible ways)?
I make choices around how I engage, and first and foremost I've learned I need/must choose not to turn social media into a game of affection. If I look at a picture someone posts on Instagram, I react to it. There’s no question of if I “like” what is in the post as some kind of standard or bar for reacting... This person posted it, I mostly only follow people I care about and have been a part of my life at some point, so why do I care if it’s not something I would have posted, wanted to see, or thought was funny/beautiful/real/etc.? I see you, I’m paying attention to your life and saw this piece of it you wanted to share. (Unless it was offensive - ain't nobody got time for that. I delete that kind of toxicity right out of life.) I don’t obsess about likes on my own posts, because that’s just not the point or the reason I show up in this space. I mean, of course I appreciate knowing who is still a piece of my world, but doesn’t everyone? And that’s where it ends.
That’s not to say I was always like this. Posting my blogs got out of control at one point in terms of obsessing about not likes, but page views. I had single posts that garnered upwards of 500 views back in the wedding and no-baby heartache days, and fueled some kind of monster in me who cared far too much abut how many people would read it every time I posted. Clearly, it wasn't healthy, and it stopped being for me. As a result, over the years I’ve taken breaks from it, trying again last year but my heart wasn’t back in it (and I quickly halted it).
So I’m back, and my heart is in it, for the right reasons, per my New Year’s post - it’s what brings me joy and peace, and that is what I’m prioritizing in life these days. It's not for the sake of web traffic, likes, red hearts, or anything else external. If I obsess after a post (and sometimes I surely do, to be clear) it’s because I put my heart in it and aired some vulnerabilities, and it plays out as I'll find myself rereading my writing (again, and again) usually for comfort, and also for affirmation that I said what I meant (and you can never proof too many times in search of typos, right? Pretty sure I could have used that mindset in high school, but alas, better late than never).
When I wrote about getting married (how this blog started, for context), it was humorous. We were all living in major turning point in our society - one where marriage to the same sex was becoming more normal, and while not until after we symbolically tied the knot, legalized. I had ridiculous interactions with humans who just had no idea what to do themselves and the words vomiting from their mouth. I was sorting out feelings and identity issues of my own and relationships with those I loved. I like to think the perspective I was able to share in writing helped push a few to reflect on their own heteronormative behaviors and words, even if they never meant any harm.
When I wrote about struggling to have a baby, I was heartbroken and struggling to thrive and find joy in much of anything. Writing was my sanctuary where I could actually explain the chaos and tangle of emotions and grief I was experiencing, since so few people felt comfortable enough to ask. I gave voice to things friends an loved ones were also experiencing, or had experienced, but had never shared. I had dozens of people that I had crossed paths with in my life, no matter how brief, reach out with gratitude, love, support, and stories of their own. It filled some of the emptiness that had taken root in me, and it opened the door for me to become someone people sent their friends to to talk about the messiness and unfairness of life with and be heard in ways they too, so desperately needed.
During the “no-baby era,” I also have grown to recognize that my writing was exceptionally honest and raw, with zero regard for much beyond a space to process my grief, anger, and bitterness. As a result, while I gained new friends and rekindled some long-dormant friendships, I lost a very close friend. The words that sparked the divide were not untrue, but words have power. Power to impact other people in amazing ways - but amazing isn’t always a happy or comfortable thing. Granted, there were clearly issues in that relationship than ran deeper than anything a blog post was going to touch, but nevertheless, I recounted this out loud to colleague the other day who asked about my writing and it jolted me a bit that my writing had shaped my life even beyond some heavy and much needed self therapy/reflection.
Interestingly, the other day I was reading an article and it referenced research that getting things out of your head and on paper and putting it out in the world, even if no one reads it (or you don’t know who/if anyone does), is a highly effective form of therapy. It was in reference to letter writing, specifically - noting that writing letters to people and sending them even if they never make it to the person or don’t get a response has significant benefits for the mind and soul. I believe it. It’s how I approach this space.
Now, as I’ve come back, I’m writing about personal growth and happiness, and also the utter insanity yet magic of parenting. While not nearly as focused or thematic, per se, it’s still allowing me to process, get out of my own head (and way) in one of the only forms I know how to successfully do so, share a little piece of my world in the spirit of humanity and connection, and here and there offer up a little “hey you’re not the only one” to those who might need to hear it.
Alas, looping back to the opening paragraph here, this entire post was originally intended (at 6am this morning when it was sparked in my head) to be centered on the fact that very recently I have started following non-friends on social media - e.g. mindfulness and holistic healing accounts - and some reflections I have on it all (e.g. this one account that labels eating real food as “ancestral eating” which I’m just... I can't... while I agree that real food = good, the use of alienating and unnecessary terms = side eye). As I (frigidly) walked to the gym this morning, I was thinking about the game changing nature of morning routines (day forty seven in a row of practicing yoga and mindfulness meditation!), and my "ancestral eating" friend who also seems to think they are the bees knees was discussing her similar feelings regarding morning rituals in a post, which is how I started down that whole train of thought... however, as a I clicked away on my little iPhone screen writing this post, my mind went in another direction, which I'm good with. And, I'm sure I’ll be inspired to come back to the whole morning rituals thing.
The world we live in today is wildly different than that which I was born into - and very strange at times. Indeed, there are people who use social media to bully and incite hate (most predominantly that guy people refer to as president, alternatively known as “the orange guy” in this house). Yet, I don’t think social media needs to be feared. And yes, even if not harmful, people choose to use it in weird ways - and there’s certainly whole generations of people that have found, umm, interesting ways of expressing themselves and clearly don’t fully understand it - which makes me cringe a bit, but why should I care? For better or worse, it’s usually just a showing of true colors, which while rarely helpful for restoring my faith in humanity, at least keeps us all from living in a false reality (and helps me know what to expect and how to approach that distant relative...).
I think the world of social media (as it is now and everything yet to come) can and should be an physically from those with shared challenges, feelings, passions, or needs? It’s incredible and has so much potential for good, and I can only hope as a human population we can harness that, more than the bad.
efficient, accessible, and even beautiful means of connecting the world in an ever divided and changing world. I don’t want to be scared of it, even as a parent. I want to harness it to add value, human connection, and joy to my life, and help my kids navigate it just the same (yes, future self and current parents of tweens and teens, you laugh - know that I’m planning to spend the next 7 years trying to figure just how to do that...). How awesome is it that no one (with internet access, to clarify) has to feel alone or be alone in the world, no matter how isolated they may be
And, if even we can’t, I am. Which is what I can control - it’s all any of us can control.
As someone who has very little desire to talk on the phone with anyone but my parents (and for some reason colleagues, but I think that has to do with it being the normal mode of communication given that everyone I work with is remote/virtual) - social media and text are pretty much my (only) options (life lines?) if I want to stay connected to people beyond those I get to see in person on a somewhat regular basis (which is extremely limited in scope).
About two years ago when I started regularly posting on Instagram I had a good friend ask what was going on, something along the lines of, "for someone who doesn’t really find joy in lots of people and is generally introverted, why the change of heart on social media?"
To me it’s simple, but still was, indeed, certainly a conscious decision I made. If I’m not going to show up to every (any?) event and gathering held where I would see friends, especially those from the corps, college, and beyond, and still wanted to maintain any semblance of connection to these folks - given, lord knows, my lack of enthusiasm for large groups of people is in no way indicative of my love of all the people I’ve crossed paths through the years (hence the reference to my inability to let go) - I had to make some effort to stay connected and not just be a voyeur on others' lives, but share my own. It’s a crazy world we live in, but we are where we are and I don’t see us going backward, so why not embrace it (in responsible ways)?
I make choices around how I engage, and first and foremost I've learned I need/must choose not to turn social media into a game of affection. If I look at a picture someone posts on Instagram, I react to it. There’s no question of if I “like” what is in the post as some kind of standard or bar for reacting... This person posted it, I mostly only follow people I care about and have been a part of my life at some point, so why do I care if it’s not something I would have posted, wanted to see, or thought was funny/beautiful/real/etc.? I see you, I’m paying attention to your life and saw this piece of it you wanted to share. (Unless it was offensive - ain't nobody got time for that. I delete that kind of toxicity right out of life.) I don’t obsess about likes on my own posts, because that’s just not the point or the reason I show up in this space. I mean, of course I appreciate knowing who is still a piece of my world, but doesn’t everyone? And that’s where it ends.
That’s not to say I was always like this. Posting my blogs got out of control at one point in terms of obsessing about not likes, but page views. I had single posts that garnered upwards of 500 views back in the wedding and no-baby heartache days, and fueled some kind of monster in me who cared far too much abut how many people would read it every time I posted. Clearly, it wasn't healthy, and it stopped being for me. As a result, over the years I’ve taken breaks from it, trying again last year but my heart wasn’t back in it (and I quickly halted it).
When I wrote about getting married (how this blog started, for context), it was humorous. We were all living in major turning point in our society - one where marriage to the same sex was becoming more normal, and while not until after we symbolically tied the knot, legalized. I had ridiculous interactions with humans who just had no idea what to do themselves and the words vomiting from their mouth. I was sorting out feelings and identity issues of my own and relationships with those I loved. I like to think the perspective I was able to share in writing helped push a few to reflect on their own heteronormative behaviors and words, even if they never meant any harm.
When I wrote about struggling to have a baby, I was heartbroken and struggling to thrive and find joy in much of anything. Writing was my sanctuary where I could actually explain the chaos and tangle of emotions and grief I was experiencing, since so few people felt comfortable enough to ask. I gave voice to things friends an loved ones were also experiencing, or had experienced, but had never shared. I had dozens of people that I had crossed paths with in my life, no matter how brief, reach out with gratitude, love, support, and stories of their own. It filled some of the emptiness that had taken root in me, and it opened the door for me to become someone people sent their friends to to talk about the messiness and unfairness of life with and be heard in ways they too, so desperately needed.
During the “no-baby era,” I also have grown to recognize that my writing was exceptionally honest and raw, with zero regard for much beyond a space to process my grief, anger, and bitterness. As a result, while I gained new friends and rekindled some long-dormant friendships, I lost a very close friend. The words that sparked the divide were not untrue, but words have power. Power to impact other people in amazing ways - but amazing isn’t always a happy or comfortable thing. Granted, there were clearly issues in that relationship than ran deeper than anything a blog post was going to touch, but nevertheless, I recounted this out loud to colleague the other day who asked about my writing and it jolted me a bit that my writing had shaped my life even beyond some heavy and much needed self therapy/reflection.
Interestingly, the other day I was reading an article and it referenced research that getting things out of your head and on paper and putting it out in the world, even if no one reads it (or you don’t know who/if anyone does), is a highly effective form of therapy. It was in reference to letter writing, specifically - noting that writing letters to people and sending them even if they never make it to the person or don’t get a response has significant benefits for the mind and soul. I believe it. It’s how I approach this space.
Now, as I’ve come back, I’m writing about personal growth and happiness, and also the utter insanity yet magic of parenting. While not nearly as focused or thematic, per se, it’s still allowing me to process, get out of my own head (and way) in one of the only forms I know how to successfully do so, share a little piece of my world in the spirit of humanity and connection, and here and there offer up a little “hey you’re not the only one” to those who might need to hear it.
Alas, looping back to the opening paragraph here, this entire post was originally intended (at 6am this morning when it was sparked in my head) to be centered on the fact that very recently I have started following non-friends on social media - e.g. mindfulness and holistic healing accounts - and some reflections I have on it all (e.g. this one account that labels eating real food as “ancestral eating” which I’m just... I can't... while I agree that real food = good, the use of alienating and unnecessary terms = side eye). As I (frigidly) walked to the gym this morning, I was thinking about the game changing nature of morning routines (day forty seven in a row of practicing yoga and mindfulness meditation!), and my "ancestral eating" friend who also seems to think they are the bees knees was discussing her similar feelings regarding morning rituals in a post, which is how I started down that whole train of thought... however, as a I clicked away on my little iPhone screen writing this post, my mind went in another direction, which I'm good with. And, I'm sure I’ll be inspired to come back to the whole morning rituals thing.The world we live in today is wildly different than that which I was born into - and very strange at times. Indeed, there are people who use social media to bully and incite hate (most predominantly that guy people refer to as president, alternatively known as “the orange guy” in this house). Yet, I don’t think social media needs to be feared. And yes, even if not harmful, people choose to use it in weird ways - and there’s certainly whole generations of people that have found, umm, interesting ways of expressing themselves and clearly don’t fully understand it - which makes me cringe a bit, but why should I care? For better or worse, it’s usually just a showing of true colors, which while rarely helpful for restoring my faith in humanity, at least keeps us all from living in a false reality (and helps me know what to expect and how to approach that distant relative...).
efficient, accessible, and even beautiful means of connecting the world in an ever divided and changing world. I don’t want to be scared of it, even as a parent. I want to harness it to add value, human connection, and joy to my life, and help my kids navigate it just the same (yes, future self and current parents of tweens and teens, you laugh - know that I’m planning to spend the next 7 years trying to figure just how to do that...). How awesome is it that no one (with internet access, to clarify) has to feel alone or be alone in the world, no matter how isolated they may be
And, if even we can’t, I am. Which is what I can control - it’s all any of us can control.